I do! A wedding extravaganza starring Sophia and William as Luke and Leia (Marcus)

We can safely say the Chinese wedding we attended on Saturday safely exceeded all of our expectations. Going into it we had absolutely no idea what kind of spectacle we would behold, but in true Chinese fashion, it upheld all of those virtues we find so dominant in this most oddball of countries: Randomness, Noise, Colour, Alcohol, Singing and last but not least, western celebrities(ie us!).

So we arrive at the wedding reception venue which is about 2 minutes drive away from the school itself. The place is huge and teeming with people. There are several wedding cars present with different assortments of flowers stuck to them - some with his and her teddy bears together in a floral love heart. I witnessed some men attaching flowers to the bonnet of a car whilst in Shanghai and I can confirm that yes - they stick them on with ...sticky tape.

As mentioned the place was teeming. It is rare for there just to be a single wedding on any given day as Chinese are very particular with the dates they choose - often there will be multiple weddings at once - and that was true of this day. This day was a lucky day, so Raymen, Head of the Tian Yi English department told me - but just quietly, I wouldn't be surprised if any day deep down was lucky in some way shape or form.

We exited the car with me feeling somewhat vunerable being 1. Foreign, and 2. Armed with a big bunch of red flowers. The bridal party - including bride, groom and their respective families lined the door into the venue and upon seeing us, immediately greeted us and made us feel honored and welcome. This was incidentally the first time we had met any of them - so ah yeah, thanks for the invite, oh and nice to meet you!

Then, in typical Chinese fashion, they request to have their photo with us - so in they all come, along with the rest of the crowd as we are ushered in to stand on either side of the bridal couple; with a large backdrop of themselves behind us(Me still with the goddamned flowers) and snap off photos. I didn't feel phased by this. I didn't feel surprised by this. In fact I think we both felt somewhat nonplussed by the attention. Maybe finally we have settled into this most whacky of countries.

We then followed Raymen up several flights of stairs and into the lavishly decorated reception hall. Here we saw quite a few familiar faces as I think all of the Tian Yi teachers were invited(probably on direct order from the Principle - who strangely was not in attendance as he was busy...).

We were guided to a table near the back to which I was quite happy as it was nowhere near the front where there was a stage - bad things can happen with stages and foreigners being present. But then Raymen decides, let's move up closer so we can get a better view! So up we go.

The tables were pretty standard really, each laid out with some Sprite, Orange Juice, a bottle of Red Wine and of course the creme de la creme of the Chinese MALE table - Chinese Rice Wine - and not just any Chinese Rice Wine , the one with 5 grains - this is naturally the most expensive, thus the best. I asked Raymen if all Rice wine had 5 grains and he said no, some only have one- but this one has five, which is again, the best/most expensive. The brides father we were told, is very rich.

Rice Wine is not like any version of wine I have ever tasted. It is like drinking the strongest alcohol/lighter fluid you can find, in constant shots - disguised by the word, Ganbei, which means, 'Bottoms up!" We quickly discovered all the women were on their own tables, and were only drinking orange juice, whilst all the men were on the others(except Courtney who of course was with me!), and the Ganbei's came thick and fast.

This is not my first experience with the Rice Wine - I had the pleasure of being hit with it on our FIRST NIGHT in China - which was lovely. This time round it was no problem, though on my first toast I couldn't remember it as being so strong. After a few toasts it's a lot smoother, and after a few more I'm then proposing my own - you gotta roll with the big boys if you're gonna save face in this town brother!

No but seriously the toasting is quite ridiculous but a very important part of Chinese culture. I suppose it's endearing in a way, but in reality I think it's just an excuse to get smashed - another popular past-time in sunny China.

I had the guy on the table behind me toast me, which I did, then found out it was a toast to me getting up on stage and singing a song! Hahahaha you have got to be kidding me. What the hell would I sing, even if i could sing?! There was like a few hundred people in this room. If we went up and sung, they would have _absolutely adored it_. Even if we completely sucked(which would have been the case), it would have absolutely made their year. The camera's would have been out faster than you could say, CHEESE. Raymen asked me, "Can you sing?" and i profusely refused. Then he asked if I liked to dance - and again, I said no no no - BUT, Courtney likes to dance - meaning - she likes to get on the dancefloor from time to time - to which he asked, "Would Courtney get up and dance for us?" to which inside I totally pissed myself. Naturally there was no chance in hell she was going to get up there either, but what the HELL would she do? Do we even have an Australian cultural dance?! I just imagine her getting up there and doing a bit of a chimmy. Total pisser.

We were asked multiple times throughout the night if we would get up and sing a song - each time we politely but firmly refused. A few of the teachers did - one of them from the table beside us, who had a surprisingly good Chinese opera style voice. After his song he came back by our way, and i THINK proposed a toast to himself(which was a crackup), then asked if he would be good enough to sing in the Sydney Opera House? We said, sure! I think he was mostly joking, but also wouldn't be surprised if he'd booked his plane tickets.

Each table was laden with fluro sticks, which the Chinese men spent a good deal of time slamming against the table to break the glass in them and get them glowing. Along with plastic hand clapper things, it was sure to be a big event when the bride and groom finally entered. When they did - it was a spectacle. I attempted to film some of it - mainly for the music choices which were quite honestly, stellar.

Firstly, to announce the start of the proceedings, the lights were dimmed and out blasted the epic western theme song from the Magnificent Seven. At the time i thought it was the music from the VB ad which made it even better.

Out came who I guess was the event's compare - a woman in a glossy red dress and a permanant smile. This chick was scary. She talked nonstop in a high-pitch voice(later was singing for us), and not once did she lose her fake smile. She was announcing the arrival of the wedding party and everything else. Obviously because we don't speak Chinese we aren't overly sure what else she was saying.

The lights went out, the clapping of fluros and plastic clappers reached a crescendo and then -the main theme of Star Wars exploded to life(along with fireworks marking their passage into the hall). Star Wars! What the bloody hell!

Out came the parents of the bride and groom - to Star Wars.

Then came the groom - to Star Wars.

Then finally Leia er the Bride herself - to Star Wars.

She stopped mid-way down the passage beneath an arch of flowers. This Raymen told me was the gate of love or somesuch - this is where the Bride's father came back down and officially gave her away. From her passage onwards - thankfully, some degree of normality kicked in and the traditional bridal tune took over.


Once on stage, more fireworks shot up to the awe and delight of those present. Here began a series of semi-chinese, semi-western events. The bridge and groom exchanged wedding gifts. The bride and groom exchanged three wedding vows - one to their parents, one to their friends and family gathered, then one to themselves.



Then came the cutting of the cake - which is likened to Jack trying to cut down his beanstalk. The thing was a monster and they were actually armed with a knife so long it was like a small sword. I couldn't get a photo of it unfortunately as the audience was so excited, every time I tried I ended up getting some guys head, or a cameraman.

They then poured I think pink champagne onto a champagne fountain - and that was it. The feast began - the food was not too bad at all, and in just over 2 hours the event was done! People filed out, soon the room was mostly empty, and with a gut full of rice wine we were driven back to the school. Shortly after getting home, my rice wine actually kicked in and i was filled with semi-pissed energy. Courtney enjoyed the fact I (supposedly) didn't shut up for most of the afternoon, and then it was off to bed as all energy bailed and left me feeling like a shell that stunk of metho. I brushed my teeth several times, had a coffee, water, and a bunch of other stuff and still I could taste the goddamn rice wine on my breath. Fun times!


If you ever get the opportunity to attend a Chinese wedding in China - take it - it's an absolute pisser, and we had a great time in in one hit.

The only thing that would have made it better for those at our table, was if we had agreed when they asked us, to have a baby in China. Erm no!

As we entered the Reception hall, we were greeted by some traditional Chinese music

The scary host and the groom. Note the perma-smile.

Gifts of lung canc er cigarettes were deposited on every table.

Mr Pan was happy to indulge. We rarely if ever see him smoke.

To our left was - well that's us, but beside us were two extremely lovely fellow English teachers. Both of these guys teach the same students we do(senior 1) and were both very chatty - moreso when the wine started to flow. We will make sure we go catch up with them as they're both great guys. They were fun to talk to and as a random fact the guy in the middle used to be very strong when he was younger and always came first in the 100 and 200 metres. True story!

And to the right - Raymen, Mr Pan(armed with fluro) and another guy I don't know.

The more wine that was consumed, the redder the white of Raymen's eyes got. He has said before he gets a 'Chinese glow' when drinking...but his EYES? I remember his face was red on night 1 and he was fair tanked - but um yeah.

And last but not least - a youtube extravaganza! I was mainly trying to capture the music - which was classic, but you get a tiny feel for the event.

Much fluro smashing to the epic western Magnificent Seven theme.



And here comes William Skywalker.


And the massive voice of the Tianyi teacher. They were singing Karaoke but the video was completely RANDOM. Images of soldiers sandbagging a river or something...erm yeah.